Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Craft Wars Commentary Time!

Time to turn the channel to TLC, home of those crazy Toddlers and Tiaras, for another exciting installment of BUILDER WARS- oops, I mean CRAFT WARS!  I'm sorry, how did I make that mistake?  Ohhhh it must be the way the show seems more about CONSTRUCTION with weird random piles of crap, instead of CRAFTING.  

But you know what that means!  Time for C.Dubya-C.T.   Craft Wars Commentary Time.  Get it?  Yeah, I'm stupid.  And easily amused.  SO- if you haven't watched the show yet cuz you have a classy DVR and don't want to know anything about it- don't read any further.  I don't want to hear any cryin' that I ruined it for you- because I won't care.

Here we go!

I think that, possibly, Judge Stephen 'Glitterville' Brown is a vampire.  I love him, but please kind sir, stop 'affectionately tilting' your head for every reaction shot.  That freaks me out.

"Red and yellow are primary colors."  Who made that painfully obvious comment?  I was looking for my glass of Kool-Aid.

"We run Robbie out to the woodshed."  Wait, what am I watching?  Hahaha. That sentence just sounded disturbing.  But I am loving how these ladies are referring to their toy box by the name they gave it- like it's a real person.  They're fun, I like them.

Okay, time is running out.  Let's see what sadness awaits.

Yes, Madamn Judge, the 'tent box' does look messy.  And like the guy says, it won't squash FANGERS.  For those of you that don't come this part of Amurrika, that's how we say 'fingers.'

Next up, the chipmunk rabbity lookin' robot.

Stephen 'Twilight' Brown is breaking it down for all y'all glitter lovers: white glue, and also just revealed that he grew up covered in glitter.  I never would've guessed.   I agree, though, Mr. Brown-  WHY is the alligator covered in felt?

Awww. Bye, Brad.

Alright: time for the rest of the show!  What're they gonna BUILD, I mean 'craft' next?

Exciting!  They're gonna BUILD, I mean CRAFT a 'Pet Mansion.'  And Tori Spelling is gonna hold a chicken!


Pam Naughton is going to glitter the hell out of this pet mansion, isn't she?  Oh yes, she is...  Or at least she's going to glitter the hell out of some dog biscuits.  Good luck, lady!  White glue!  White glue!  I can just hear it now...

Who wants to bet some sexual favors that the judges are going to attack her for glittering dog biscuits that a DOG MIGHT EAT and get sick from the glitter?

Oh dear- Amy's covering the inside walls with fabric.  And attacking the fabric with spray glue.  After they told her not to- and on top of all this- AFTER it is pointed out WHY spend time covering stuff with fabric/felt/whatever and that they should not be afraid of PAINT.

Oooooh - the CRICUT got a shout out!  How much did that cost Provo Craft?

I wonder if we're all seeing the same commercials?  Did you just see the commercial for The Price Is Right: LIVE?  Branson, Missouri- ladies and gentlemen.  Just when you think Branson couldn't get any worse... SURPRISE!  I've been to Branson.  As a child.  I didn't have any choice.  It was terrible.  My brother threw a big BIG tantrum because he wanted to go see The Waltzing Waters.  And then he got bored during the show.  It was the family joke for years.


The 'mansions' -

Ms. Naughton:  Awww....hmmmm.... I don't know what to think- there's bits that I like- the paw print stamp.  And then there's the rest.

Amy Ng:  I like it.  Really freakin' cute.  She sure took 'mansion' literally, didn't she?  That thing is freakin' HUGE!

Commercials:  I would die happier than I ever thought possible if I never saw another Match.com commercial AGAIN.

Oh Mr. Brown, let the white glue die.

Okay, we're about to find out who wins.   Can you contain your excitement?

Congratulations, Pam.

How long do you think TLC will keep CRAFT WARS?  My opinion is that the mainstream isn't interested and it isn't enough CRAFT for the crafters- what do y'all think?  Let's discuss it.  But in the meantime, I'm taking a benadryl and calling it a day.



  1. I agree Cory. I think the point that Jo made about Pam Naughton actually crafting items (the mat made from leashes and the table made from tennis balls and newspaper) for inside her building, erm craft project, is what won it for her. And it's actually what I thought the show would be more about. I need some people making windchime dolls out of flowerpots, dammit.

    I realize that as a papercrafter, paper crafts don't perhaps translate to television as well as other crafts, but the building of furniture and small dwellings is a bit out of hand at this point.

    And two asides - do you think Tori crafted the chicken's head decoration? (I think it was a flower...or was that the chicken's head?)

    Has anyone else noticed that Tori emphasizes that the contestants show the judges their CRAFT; not their toybox, not their birdhouse, not their dwelling for small children and furry animals, but their Craft. It's weird.

    I know I'm hatin, but I had such high hopes for this show.

    1. I've NOT noticed that Tori ever emphasizes that- maybe I'm distracted because she's HOLDING A CHICKEN. lol

      That is weird, tho- I cant imagine how they can't judge whatever dwelling they've been told to build. Tricky.

      But thanks for telling me, I'ma watch for that!


  2. After last week's torture, I mean episode, I deleted the series from my DVR. I couldn't stand to watch anymore. I'm soooooo glad you did this commentary though!! Now I feel like I've watched it, hated it, and made fun of it. And it didn't take an hour out of my day!! LOVE!! :) I hope you'll endure the rest of the (probably not many left) episodes, and give your review again!

  3. I havent seen the show (no cable) but I love your post.

  4. I don't think the show is going to last. They should call it Carpenter Wars because it has much more to do with that than actual crafting. Also "Stepford Wife Stephen" might be scaring small children (and possible some family pets)

    A little something that really bugs me is the editing of the judges comments. You can tell a lot of the comments are obviously dubbed and altered in the editing room after the show is taped. And it happens so many times during the episodes.

    1. 'Stepford Wife Stephen' - LOVE i! hahahaha

      I agree- I HATE it when there's obviously dubbed/added 'judging comments' on these kindsa shows!


  5. Thank you for this quick, and painless and probably funnier synopsis of this horrid-sounding show. I've no cable either, and it sounds like that's a good thing right now. Yuck. You, as always, are hilarious, and continue to make my day while reading your benadryl-induced banter. -Teresa

  6. Your commentary is perfect and so funny! I've watched two shows hoping it was going to be better. NOT! The show won't last. I think Tory and the judges should do their own craft wars. I can't picture any of them getting their hands dirty.

  7. I could see the trainwreck coming from watching the promos- more like something Lowe's would sponsor-and at the time of the broadcast, I was working as a scrapbook instructor for Michael's and still couldn't muster up the interest. All the other instructors just thought it was delightful! Now who's been drinking some Kool-Aid out of hand crafted wooden birdhouses? Needless to say, I didn't bother watching and won't be sad to see it go-cuz it will.

    1. re: looks like something Lowe's would sponsor.

      EXACTLY!!! You NAILED it!


  8. Okay I came across your blog from Frank's blog and as I just watched this weeks DVR'd Craft Wars this morning I realized, I was meant to find this place. Great entertaining commentary and I agree, why does crafting have to involve carpentry? Does the average "crafter" build patio furniture and dog houses? Watching people frantically build a half-ass set of realistically unusable crafted items has at least entertained me... so far. But for this show to appeal to me long term I would like to see some actual creative crafting!

    1. Thank you and AMEN! What's up with all the CONSTRUCTION?!