Friday, April 6, 2012

Washi Tape O'Mania, or: Kory Will Die For You

Washi Tape? Die?  What?

Yes.  I almost died for washi.

How?  Well.  I've decided we'll blame it on MICHEALS.  You know him-  The Ellen Bee calls him Mike.  He's a dirty son of a bitch.  Oh my, the language.  I hope that old biddy that called me out on my excitable spending isn't here, I'd hate to get on her bad side again oh what am I talking about?  Sorry, I've been hittin' the box.  Of wine.  Franzia's Crisp White.  To the rescue.  At my side.  Takin names.

What am I talking about?

That's right.  I ALMOST DIED.

How?

Well.

The ever-classy lady MIA, from scrapbook.com, let it slip that MICHAELS is carrying their own store brand of WASHI TAPE.  A few years ago, washi was something barely known to the crafty world.  I'd see it on etsy or high-class crafty sites and say, "Wow, if only I could overcome my objection to pre-paying for something and waiting, itchy-handed and heart full of longing at the mailbox every single freaking day after work for something I paid for eight days ago, I'd order some of this here WASHI tape up by the handfuls!"  That's right.  I hate ordering things, paying for them, and waiting- like an hopeful honest bride outside the mensroom door on her wedding day- for the stuff to show its dirty face.

What the hell am I talkin' about, ladies and gentlemen (Paul and Frank)?

Thank you.  Washi tape.

Well.

Tim Holtz took some of the pain away.  But she couldn't call it WASHI.

No.

Mr. Holtz called it TISSUE TAPE.

Why?  I don't know.  Ask him.

But I bought it.  Oh yeah, I bought it.

And right now, allow me to assure you-  I talk like I type.  Like a drunk telling a life-changing story.

I bought that tissue tape and I LOVED IT, all my dirty hands touching and I LOVED IT.  (I so wish you could hear my line-reading of that line, it was hilarious.)

But just like the person I am- I wanted more.

Well, the ever classy Classy Lady Rushli and others on scrapbook.com sent me on a hot and heavy run throughout the big-box town, for tapes at Target and Wal-Mart.   Yes.  The big girls got they own versions of WASHI out, now, too.

But then, Lovely Mia.  She told me the seductive tale of WASHI at Michaels.  Yes.   Ellen's boy, Mike.  He had WASHI.  His store-brand, RECOLLECTIONS- but WASHI, nonetheless.

I headed to my nearest Micheals.

Nothing.

But something caught my eye-  they had the brand new, GIANT SIZE big-ass SMASH Books in stock!  My heart fluttered (probably a symptom from past drug use).   Where there's new SMASH product, there's surely the new SMASH tape, right?!  Have you seen the new SMASH tape?  The one I'm talking about is called SWATCH and it is sexxxy.  That's right.  Three X's.  The way it's mean to be-

But no.  No SWATCH tape.  No CALENDAR tape- but-

BUT!

They did have a tempting but empty hook ready for the CALENDAR tape.

Yes.  Empty.  My nearest MICHAELS is famous for not putting out their stock on time.  Or close to on time.  I swear that they must wait for the next stock to show up, then when they have no storage space left, they begin to put the stock out-

So I did what anybody in Oklahoma City with half a dream and a need does-

I headed to the SouthSide.

Yes.  For some reason, the 'Good' Michaels is located on the South side of Oklahoma City.  I guess it's true what 'they' say about urban sprawl.

I hitched up my truck and headed to:

SouthSide Michaels.

WELL!

I was rolling in riches!   SMASH Calendar Tape!  Tim Holtz Sizzis Dies (they had TWO left!) and more!

I grabbed a roll of CALENDAR tape- and then- why hello pretty lady!

There it was.  The display of RECOLLECTIONS WASHI TAPE.  Oh, I'm sorry, madame.  Michaels calls you CRAFTING TAPE.  But look at all the options:




I immediately set my eyes on the black and white sets.  Because I'm classy that way.

But for realz- that tape with the birds, the sheet music, and the plain black?!  Cool.

I also got the other set with the more graphic pattern in black and white.

I wanted to get more- but please, no fighting, there's enough fo'ty off coupons to go around!

Also, note the empty spaces around the display, Michaels executives.  If *I* worked there, this mess would never happen.  Want to hire me?  I'm available.  Yes, I have a great job, but if you want someone to kick ass, take names, and put your store in order, I'm your guy.  I can also change flat tires in less than five minutes.  More on that later.

I grabbed the SMASH Calendar tape, grabbed my selection of Michaels Recollections finest, and headed to the cashier-  who was fast.  Too bad the woman in front of me and her spaced out teenage daughter weren't as fast to LEAVE AFTER THEY HAD PAID.

Seriously- what's up with this?  Pay, and move.  Pay.  Move.  It's not pay and hang out, rearrange stuff in your purse/wallet, brush lint off your boob, readjust your belt, smooth your hair, pop your gum, stare into space as you scratch your nose imagine what you're gonna do with your new ribbon IT IS MOVE. PAY AND MOVE!

I paid.  And moved.  And left.

Drove straight across the street to Hobby Lobby.  Da HobLobs.

I parked, dropped my wallet while getting out of the car, grabbed it, almost twisted my ankle, walked to the automatic doors and straight to the back where the scrapbooking magic lays-

And if I weren't wearing my shoes, I would've... I don't know-

NEW PRODUCT?!

Yes.  I can spot new product in a craft store like a streetwalker can spot a Mercedes with a lonely driver.

There it was-  new (For da HobLobs) 7 Gypsies stamps,  new ANNA GRIFFIN stamps- and well, if this Miss Anna Griffin is half as classy as her stamps at da HobLobs, well...hello Anna!  Hope that skirts as short as it looks!

I love her stamps!

Anyways.  Just like a lady in a short skirt, I didn't know what I'd do with 'em, so I kept on hobbling (twisted ankle, remember? keepin' up?) down to the Tim Holtz section of the aisle-

Wait. What?!  Distress Markers in PACKAGES?!  I haven't heard one damn word of this!


As you can see, the middle and side aisles are EMPTY.  Which means two things.  Either the denim-skirt army of Hobby Lobby's stock-matrons haven't got all the stock up, OR- the Tim Holtz army has beat me to the punch.

I bought what they had left-  two packs.  Wait.  My memory fails.  I bought one pack and hid the other- only one forty off coupon.  Five to a pack.  14.99.  With a forty off coupon, that comes to about 1.80 each.  Plus tax.

And have you used these markers, yet?!  They are amazing.  Amazing.  You can 'paint' with the BRUSH tip and WRITE with the 'FINE' tip and color stamps with- yes, every bit as amazing as- oh wait, you came here to read about my near death experience, didn't you-

I'm not one to disappoint.

After buying my tape and markers and feeling like I was once again on top of this seedy world, I jumped back on the interstate and headed back to civilization.  You know- the North side of Oklahoma City.  Haha. As if- but anyways-

The car in front of me turns on its signal and moves over to the right- into an exit only lane.

Now, normally, my super-intelligent brain takes over and says, "Now, Kory, this person surely doesn't know what they're doing...watch out."

But my brain was pre-occupied with tape and Tim Holtz Distress Markers.  I simply gave a friendly 'Welcome to the exit only lane' wave and continued on my way when SURRRRPRIZE!

The idiot- who was most likely the dumbass, in line, in front of me, at HOBBY LOBBY.  The woman who, when I thought was done WAS NOT DONE AND PROCEEDED TO: YES! NOT TO PAY AND MOVE, but instead, to play with her hair and say, "This was s'posed to be forty off" and "this was s'posed to be on clearance."  Which forced the cashier to say, "Yes, it was forty off, see the FORTY OFF ON THE RECEIPT?!  SEE THE DISCOUNT ON THE RECEIPT?!"  Yes, it must've been someone like that woman, who then, INSTEAD OF PAYING AND MOVING, played with her hair and the shopping cart, before walking SLOWLY and mindlessly towards her JAGUAR- YES- this ho, who believed her crappy forty off discount might not have been subtracted from her crappy low dollar artificial flowers, GOT IN FRONT OF ME ON THE INTERSTATE and, while still probably wondering if she saved fitty cent at da HobLobs, decided to get into an EXIT ONLY lane and then- to decide:

"Oh no, I'm too busy screwing around, I'm in the wrong lane- here, let me just SWERVE RIGHT BACK OVER A LANE!"

Yes.  The idiot swerved BACK into my lane.  Inches in front of me.  And I'm not exaggerating here- it was INCHES.  I'm still surprised they didn't hit me, but not as surprised by what happened NEXT!

I hit my brakes.

And I SPUN A 365 DEGREE CIRCLE ON THE INTERSTATE.

I ended up in the grassy ditch on the side of the interstate.  Luckily, the grassy ditch broke my spin- or I'm sure I would've ended up UPSIDE DOWN- and luckily, nobody was close behind me and HIT ME-

but I did end up with a flat tire.

And that's where we get to the next best part of the story:

I got to change a flat tire.

I love changing tires.

I don't know what it is- but I love it.  I even have one of those professional looking on-a-wheel jacks, that I keep in my truck, in the chance I get to change a tire.  I've been known to put spares on for women I work with-  one lady once gave me a bag of chips in exchange for changing her tire, when she found it flat at lunch.  And I don't stop with my professional on-wheels jack.  I also have a tire pump.  I can air up your tires, too.

I'm sure it all fits together- scrapbooking, crafting, fixing flats-

but my glass is empty and I'm young.  See ya.

-kory

38 comments:

  1. OMG!!! I'm glad you are OK!! One of my biggest pet peeves are terrible drivers, and rude people in general. What a crazy evening you had! WOW!!

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  2. I love you - I was on the edge of my seat, I was laughing, I was crying...it was better than Cats! But yes, I am glad you are ok!!! And yes, I died over the release of Tim Holtz Distress Markers too! I can totally relate with the hiding a package only my Hobby Lobby doesn't have coupons :( Now I need to go find me some Washi...oh and maybe some wine! LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. better than CATS! lol

      I have forgot where I hid the markers- I hope they've restocked the shelves!

      HOW does your HL not have coupons?! Can't you print them off their website?

      -kory

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  3. BRI-LLI-ANT post! It was like watching a good movie - suspense, drama, joy and a near death experience.

    x
    ps glad you didn't die, btw.

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    Replies
    1. hahaha, that makes two of us! I'm glad I survived it too! lol

      thank you for commenting!!!

      -k

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  4. OMG Kory can you write a book, sign it, and send it to me....you my man are an amazing person and blogger, wow, love your post and its as if I was there standing next to you at Michaels! LOL I am so sorry about your tire, good thing you know how to change them, I would've cried for 2 hours and wondered why one of my fingernails was broken instead of trying to even THINK of removing a tire eeeek. I am glad you are safe though, what would I do without you and your amazing posts and lovely comments. I will had to accept your offer to Vegas then, BUT you need to come and hang out in West Hollywood, you would be a riot next to me!

    Love! Hugs! Frank

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    Replies
    1. Frank!!! I'll write the book if you design it and make it all purty-like!!

      If you ever need a tire changed, just give me a call! I'll be right there!

      -k

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  5. I am ROFLMAO! Dude I love reading this blog especially after half a box Franzia Red has been ingested!! almost caused me to wet my pants hearing about the washi tape mystery. 240 is the pits and there are a lot of crappy drivers in that area. My Michaels here in Norman doesn't have the washi tape either. My favorite Michaels employee moved to the north store. Ask for Meredith and tell her Vickie sent you!

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  6. I just knew your story was gonna end with some idiot driver go I hate idiot drivers its a good job we can't carry a gun over here there are a few tires I'd have shot out by now, I'm a firm believer in ruff justice!
    Glad to here your ok and your shopping was successful I'd kill for a Micheal's over here really I think I would.
    I just found out while watching the news actually listening to the news I'm typing at the moment, its "International pillow fight day" today I never knew there was one hhmmm.
    Sheron

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    Replies
    1. Pillow Fight DAY?! I've not heard of it either...

      Ruff justice all the way!

      -kory

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  7. that was an award winning epic! someone should make a movie of your life!! lol!!
    best post ever

    easter hugs from across da pond
    x

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    Replies
    1. Thank you SO much! I don't know about the movie, tho- things can get a little x-rated from time to time, it would definitely need good editing. lol

      -kory

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  8. I have this image in my head of the dad on 'A Christmas Story' and his mad tire-changing skillz. I, too, am glad you did not die.

    My stupid Mike's better have that tape or my head might explode.

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    Replies
    1. :) thank you!

      Did you find the tape?

      -k

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  9. You are hilarious!!!! Now I must go to Hobby Lobby for the 3rd time this week to see if they have these distress marker packs yet!!! They were rearranging when I went on Thursday and even had the new-ish Dear Lizzy roller stamp so fingers crossed theta they have the markers out now! Thank you so much for the info and the laughs! I promise to PAY and MOVE!

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    Replies
    1. THANK YOU for visiting and commenting! I hope they got the markers out for you!!

      Pay and MOVE! lol, I didn't realize how catchy that was until I saw it in your comment- thanks for making me laugh!

      -kory

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  10. Wow! What a post Kory!!!! A brilliant read! You are so meant to be a writer!!!! Get yourself a column in a paper or magazine. They NEED to have you! I was gripped from start to end. First of all, thank goodness you're okay. Have you read Gentlemen Jim's post, he had a similar experience but not as fortunate. Grim photos of his smashed up car on his blog. And also, I know who is to blame for my purchase yesterday of three rolls of Washi tape. I've been dismissing it over the past 12 months but you've slowly been influencing me, drip by drip until I was almost running to the local shop to grab some. So if you see some stuck onto a future project, you can hang your head in shame and tell yourself it's all your fault haha. Have a brilliant Easter my friend. Pxx

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    1. You are too kind, Mr. Paul!! Too!

      I must've missed Jim's post- I do love his blog, tho! I need to catch up on a few non-blogspot blogs to see what I've missed. I also need to figure out how these other blog reader thingy's work so I don't miss so much!!

      -kory

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  11. I love reading your blog, you are so funny and Im glad you are okay after your ordeal.

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    Replies
    1. thank you! come back anytime! :)

      -kory

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  12. LOL!!! You are super funny!! Love your post!!
    TFS!! Take Care!!
    Jennie @ http://earthyscrap.blogspot.com/

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  13. oh my gosh...amazing you were not injured in that spin out. The Gods of 'Mikes' and 'da Hobslobs' were watching out for you. Happy Easter.

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  14. It's Sunday morning and by the time I read every last word, I found myself looking at the empty bottom of my coffee cup LOL Good for you for getting me to stick around and read it ALL! New follower.

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    1. Hi and thank you so so much!!!

      -kory

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  15. I think the near-death experience is due to your taking for granted all the good shopping. Don't dis the mail-order too much: some of us don't have much choice.

    I drive like life is a Mario Kart experience so you can change my tire any time :D

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    Replies
    1. I must disagree- I never take good shopping for granted! I'm always thankful and make sacrifices to the shopping gods!!!

      lol

      -kory

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  16. Hope you weekend was a bot calmer than that! Glad you are okay! I'll have to try those markers! :) I love tape too..esp smash tapes!

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  17. Oh how I laughed. I did in fact break the big bones in my ankle trying to use a 40% off coupon. What hurts even now is that I broke the ankle BEFORE I got to use the coupon. Life can be very unfair sometimes. So happy you have lived to tell the tale.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you!

      and thank you for visiting!!

      -kory

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  18. Ha-Ha! Loved your prose. I'm so right there w/ you regarding the part about working at Michaels. I'm always thinking to myself about how I would whip into shape my Michaels & wouldn't let shelves stay bare.

    Love your blog!

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    1. Thank you!

      And I thought of your comment y'day, while I was in Michaels- putting some Martha punches back on their correct hooks, lol

      -k

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  19. lol "hopeful honest bride.." you sure paint a picture ! Enjoy your writing like no tomorrow!

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  20. oh geez, you always crack me up! I hope you didn't get a chance to see my last comment on your blog about 3 weeks ago...I had a week moment wanting to add to your silly post, but after thinking about it, it was seriously innapropriate coming from me so I deleted it! lol

    Anyway, sorry for the randomness.
    Did you know Gauche is now selling washi? They made the post last night, and are already selling out of the 3 packs. They will have single rolls up soon too..

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    1. PLEASE don't delete your comments- nothing's too inappropriate for me! lol

      I didn't know about the Washi- I am up to my elbows in it right now- it seems to be everywhere now! Can you believe it- WAL MART?!?! lol

      -k

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  21. I'm trying not to laugh too hard in case I wake up the kids.

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