Amazing Discoveries!

Anybody remember that infomercial, AMAZING DISCOVERIES, from the early nineties?  Maybe it was the very late eighties.  Yes, yes, I know- I look too good to be able to have memories from the eighties.  But seriously- anybody remember AMAZING DISCOVERIES?  It was an informercial (poorly disguised as a talk show) all about some new tooth-whitening product.  My favorite part of the show was when an ex-Miss Universe appears as a guest star and tells an outrageous story about how she and her husband would point and shout 'CAMEL TEETH!' at each other until they discovered the new tooth whitening product.

This informercial was on, every day, at 6:30AM.  I watched it EVERY MORNING FOR AN ENTIRE SCHOOL YEAR.  Eventually, I taped it (awww, memories- remember 'TAPING' things?!) and then my brother and I studied it to perfect our live staged version of...AMAZING DISCOVERIES.

We were very enthralled with acting out things we become obsessed with from television.  There was our live version of the Christopher Reeve hosted "HOW TO RAISE A STREET SMART CHILD," complete with lines such as, "Yeah, that's good Julie- now, just lower the strap on your swimsuit just a little bit lower..." 

Aaaaand, there was also our live version of the infamous GERALDO 'race-riot' episode- complete with simulated chair to Geraldo's face.  This was quite the hit production at our family's Thanksgiving celebration one year.

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen.  I don't know what I'm talking about, anymore.

OH YEAH!  

I'm here to share an AMAZING DISCOVERY!

I know that many of you, like myself, planned to wake up this morning to find out that you're a brand new BILLIONAIRE, thanks to the lottery.  So, we'll say this post is a consolation prize to all of us papercrafters who thought we would have enough money to buy Sizzix and tell Tim Holtz that his new job is to spend all day hanging out and crafting at our side.  Obviously that didn't happen.  So I'm left to my own devices.

You all know how much I love to buy gadgets- kitchen, craftroom or otherwise.  Almost as much as I love one dollar lap-dances in New Orleans.  Imagine my excitement when I saw this:

photo from Scrapbook.com

That's the "Get-It-Straight" Laser Square from KellyCraft.  

What is it?  It's pretty simple- yet ingenious.  You lay your scrapbook paper on the thing, then use the column on the right to align a laser pointer thingy in a straight line across the page so's that you have a nice straight line to use to properly line up embellishments, titles or whatever else you're determined to glue to your scrapbook page in a classy straight line.  You know- it's basically a tool to keep your pages from looking like you do your scrapbooking while tossing back vodka-and-tonics at bar.  Like I do.

Believe it or not- my heart stopped for a moment.  I HAD to have this thing!  Then, I saw the price tag.  89.95.

I'm sorry, Kellycraft.  But I can get a lot more bang for my hundred bucks than a plastic square with a laser pointer stuck on its side.

But I still thought it was a good idea.  And it is, Kellycraft.  I'm sorry if I'm coming off too harsh.  It's a great idea- but this thing isn't worth 89.95.  It isn't worth 79.95.  It's not worth 49.95 plus an extra one if I just pay extra 'P&H.' 

So, Kory, WHAT'S IT WORTH?!

A dollar.

Yeahp.  One dollar.  But I would pay 14.95 for one, at a store.

So if I'd pay 14.95 for one at a store, freely and gladly- why is it worth a buck?

Because, for one dollar- THAT'S RIGHT, ladies and gentlemen:

FOR ONE DOLLAR, I 'made' my very own KellyCraft Get-It-Straight Laser Square System.  And I'm here to tell you how you can get your VERY OWN!

Kory's SCRAPiVERSE version doesn't include a 'patent pending sliding laser design,' of course.  And I'm not even going to charge you a hundred bucks or even 14.95 for the idea.  Like everything I do, I'm gonna give it up freely.

First thing you gotta do:  GO TO DOLLAR TREE.  Buy this:

It's a level, intended to stick on the wall to -get this- help you hang artwork in a straight line across the wall.  Since it's from DOLLAR TREE, it costs ONE DOLLAR.

Next, line your paper up against one of the lines on your cutting board or whatever lined surface that I'm sure you have on your scrapdesk.  (Mine, below, is the mega-sized Martha Stewart cutting mat- which I found at BIG LOTS for 3.99.  It's priced at like 59.99 at craft stores.  Clearly, crafters are #@$%&ed in every direction.)

Now that your paper is against a line, as above, place your laser-picture-hanger-helper-thingy on one of the horizontal straight lines:

See how I so-helpfully pointed at the straight line, there?  Very infomercialesque, huh?

Next- use your right (or left, if you're so inclined) index finger to push the red button.  (It's always a red button if a laser is involved.)  AND TA-DAAAAA!  See that?

Classy, huh?  A nice, straight line.  Now you don't have any excuses for a wonky title.  Unless you're scrapping in a bar while throwing back a couple of highballs.  Like I do.

Of course, if a trip to the Dollar Tree would be too traumatic, you may always purchase an official KELLYCRAFT GET IT STRAIGHT LASER SQUARE here: http://www.kellycraftinnovations.com/ or from Scrapbook.com.

It's almost happy hour.  As my best friend's mom, Mrs. Busch, always says:  I've gotta make like a baby and head out.

Enjoy.

-kory