Craft Wars Commentary Time!

Time to turn the channel to TLC, home of those crazy Toddlers and Tiaras, for another exciting installment of BUILDER WARS- oops, I mean CRAFT WARS!  I'm sorry, how did I make that mistake?  Ohhhh it must be the way the show seems more about CONSTRUCTION with weird random piles of crap, instead of CRAFTING.  

But you know what that means!  Time for C.Dubya-C.T.   Craft Wars Commentary Time.  Get it?  Yeah, I'm stupid.  And easily amused.  SO- if you haven't watched the show yet cuz you have a classy DVR and don't want to know anything about it- don't read any further.  I don't want to hear any cryin' that I ruined it for you- because I won't care.

Here we go!

I think that, possibly, Judge Stephen 'Glitterville' Brown is a vampire.  I love him, but please kind sir, stop 'affectionately tilting' your head for every reaction shot.  That freaks me out.

"Red and yellow are primary colors."  Who made that painfully obvious comment?  I was looking for my glass of Kool-Aid.

"We run Robbie out to the woodshed."  Wait, what am I watching?  Hahaha. That sentence just sounded disturbing.  But I am loving how these ladies are referring to their toy box by the name they gave it- like it's a real person.  They're fun, I like them.

Okay, time is running out.  Let's see what sadness awaits.

Yes, Madamn Judge, the 'tent box' does look messy.  And like the guy says, it won't squash FANGERS.  For those of you that don't come this part of Amurrika, that's how we say 'fingers.'

Next up, the chipmunk rabbity lookin' robot.

Stephen 'Twilight' Brown is breaking it down for all y'all glitter lovers: white glue, and also just revealed that he grew up covered in glitter.  I never would've guessed.   I agree, though, Mr. Brown-  WHY is the alligator covered in felt?

Awww. Bye, Brad.

Alright: time for the rest of the show!  What're they gonna BUILD, I mean 'craft' next?

Exciting!  They're gonna BUILD, I mean CRAFT a 'Pet Mansion.'  And Tori Spelling is gonna hold a chicken!

Why don't they just rename the show BUILD SOMETHING OUT OF A PILE OF JUNK AND COVER IT WITH CRAP FROM MICHAELS?!

Pam Naughton is going to glitter the hell out of this pet mansion, isn't she?  Oh yes, she is...  Or at least she's going to glitter the hell out of some dog biscuits.  Good luck, lady!  White glue!  White glue!  I can just hear it now...

Who wants to bet some sexual favors that the judges are going to attack her for glittering dog biscuits that a DOG MIGHT EAT and get sick from the glitter?

Oh dear- Amy's covering the inside walls with fabric.  And attacking the fabric with spray glue.  After they told her not to- and on top of all this- AFTER it is pointed out WHY spend time covering stuff with fabric/felt/whatever and that they should not be afraid of PAINT.

Oooooh - the CRICUT got a shout out!  How much did that cost Provo Craft?

I wonder if we're all seeing the same commercials?  Did you just see the commercial for The Price Is Right: LIVE?  Branson, Missouri- ladies and gentlemen.  Just when you think Branson couldn't get any worse... SURPRISE!  I've been to Branson.  As a child.  I didn't have any choice.  It was terrible.  My brother threw a big BIG tantrum because he wanted to go see The Waltzing Waters.  And then he got bored during the show.  It was the family joke for years.

DID I NOT TELL POINT OUT THAT WHITE GLUE WOULD COME UP AGAIN???!!!

The 'mansions' -

Ms. Naughton:  Awww....hmmmm.... I don't know what to think- there's bits that I like- the paw print stamp.  And then there's the rest.

Amy Ng:  I like it.  Really freakin' cute.  She sure took 'mansion' literally, didn't she?  That thing is freakin' HUGE!

Commercials:  I would die happier than I ever thought possible if I never saw another Match.com commercial AGAIN.

Oh Mr. Brown, let the white glue die.

Okay, we're about to find out who wins.   Can you contain your excitement?

Congratulations, Pam.

How long do you think TLC will keep CRAFT WARS?  My opinion is that the mainstream isn't interested and it isn't enough CRAFT for the crafters- what do y'all think?  Let's discuss it.  But in the meantime, I'm taking a benadryl and calling it a day.

-kory