This Tuesday: CRAFT WARS with COMMENTARY!

Check it out, crafty hookahs.  This Tuesday, I'll be joined by the great and hilarious DARLA for CRAFT WARS COMMENTARY: LIVE!  Come join in the fun over at the forum at SCRAPBOOK.COM.  With any luck, it'll turn into an all-out brawl.

Speaking of possibilities for all-out brawls- yes, I have been in a few bar-fights in my day, but for real- I thought something was gonna break out during the class, yesterday.  Somebody mentioned Craft Wars and the volume in the room grew so loud so fast- I backed up.  I heard the rise in volume and started planning emergency exits.  Clearly, there's lots of anger towards this show.   And this is one of my tips for successful living:  When you enter a room, always plan emergency exits and spot at least three items which can function as a weapon, should the need present itself.

Craft Wars: I don't have anger towards it-  I don't LIKE it, but I don't hate it, either.  It does provide plenty of unintentional hilarity.  That, my friend, is my favorite kind of hilarity.

But it does sadden me.  It was a chance for there to be a fun craft-related competition show.

One of you- maybe not one of you, it was either here in the comments or over at the scrapbook.com forum- mentioned CRAFT CORNER DEATHMATCH.  I had never ever heard of it, so went immediately to Google.  There are a few episodes uploaded to Vimeo.  Entire, commercial free, good quality videos.  In other words, a rare and lucky gift from the Craft Gods.

I'm in love with CRAFT CORNER DEATHMATCH, now.  I'll just abbreviate it as CCD from now on- y'all know how I love to come up with abbreviations for things.

CCD ran on the Style Network back in 2005.  Remember when Style was a good channel?  Remember The Brini Maxwell Show?  I am still in love with Brini.  I even have her book.  To this day, whenever I come up with a clever idea, I look at the nearest person with a slightly tilted head and say, 'Now, why didn't you think of that?!'  I don't do it justice.  You need to see Ms. Maxwell's delivery.  Pure genius.  t still can't figure out how I missed this show.  Because I either have a drive to force you to love the things I do -or because, since you're even reading my blog, we must have similar taste- I've included a link to a YouTube 'Best of Brini Maxwell' link.  For some reason, it doesn't include her 'Now, why didn't you think of that?' catchphrase- and that's just a dirty shame.

I'm sorry, ladies and gentleman, what the hell was I talkin' about?  Oh yeah- okay, back to CCD:

CCD is exactly what CRAFT WARS should've been-  loud, crazy, wild, hilarious, FUN - and above all, actual CRAFTS.  Not CONSTRUCTION.  How the hell can a craft competition show NOT be fun when the 'surviving' contestant must battle 'The Craft Lady Of Steel' for the win?!  And how freakin' cool is the Craft Lady of Steel?

(Also, how much fun is Amber, the never smiling 'assistant' with the crazy hair and out of place sequined gown?!)

Here is a link to Vimeo, with some episodes of CRAFT CORNER DEATHMATCH for your viewing enjoyment.  It's fun.  Just do it.  And don't forget to join me 'n Darla on Tuesday night for CRAFT WARS COMMENTARY: LIVE!

-kory

-p.s.  here's the 'Best of Brini Maxwell reel that I mentioned.  Enjoy!

-p.s.s.  please note the text (blurry as it might be) on the bottom of the Kory & Darla Craft Wars Commentary poster-  this 'special live event' is not officially affiliated with scrapbook.com, and we might even get kicked out of the forum before we begin.  But hey- even if we draw one or two new people to the site and their forum, we've succeeded in something positive for them, right?  Right!

Craft Wars Commentary Time!

Time to turn the channel to TLC, home of those crazy Toddlers and Tiaras, for another exciting installment of BUILDER WARS- oops, I mean CRAFT WARS!  I'm sorry, how did I make that mistake?  Ohhhh it must be the way the show seems more about CONSTRUCTION with weird random piles of crap, instead of CRAFTING.  

But you know what that means!  Time for C.Dubya-C.T.   Craft Wars Commentary Time.  Get it?  Yeah, I'm stupid.  And easily amused.  SO- if you haven't watched the show yet cuz you have a classy DVR and don't want to know anything about it- don't read any further.  I don't want to hear any cryin' that I ruined it for you- because I won't care.

Here we go!

I think that, possibly, Judge Stephen 'Glitterville' Brown is a vampire.  I love him, but please kind sir, stop 'affectionately tilting' your head for every reaction shot.  That freaks me out.

"Red and yellow are primary colors."  Who made that painfully obvious comment?  I was looking for my glass of Kool-Aid.

"We run Robbie out to the woodshed."  Wait, what am I watching?  Hahaha. That sentence just sounded disturbing.  But I am loving how these ladies are referring to their toy box by the name they gave it- like it's a real person.  They're fun, I like them.

Okay, time is running out.  Let's see what sadness awaits.

Yes, Madamn Judge, the 'tent box' does look messy.  And like the guy says, it won't squash FANGERS.  For those of you that don't come this part of Amurrika, that's how we say 'fingers.'

Next up, the chipmunk rabbity lookin' robot.

Stephen 'Twilight' Brown is breaking it down for all y'all glitter lovers: white glue, and also just revealed that he grew up covered in glitter.  I never would've guessed.   I agree, though, Mr. Brown-  WHY is the alligator covered in felt?

Awww. Bye, Brad.

Alright: time for the rest of the show!  What're they gonna BUILD, I mean 'craft' next?

Exciting!  They're gonna BUILD, I mean CRAFT a 'Pet Mansion.'  And Tori Spelling is gonna hold a chicken!

Why don't they just rename the show BUILD SOMETHING OUT OF A PILE OF JUNK AND COVER IT WITH CRAP FROM MICHAELS?!

Pam Naughton is going to glitter the hell out of this pet mansion, isn't she?  Oh yes, she is...  Or at least she's going to glitter the hell out of some dog biscuits.  Good luck, lady!  White glue!  White glue!  I can just hear it now...

Who wants to bet some sexual favors that the judges are going to attack her for glittering dog biscuits that a DOG MIGHT EAT and get sick from the glitter?

Oh dear- Amy's covering the inside walls with fabric.  And attacking the fabric with spray glue.  After they told her not to- and on top of all this- AFTER it is pointed out WHY spend time covering stuff with fabric/felt/whatever and that they should not be afraid of PAINT.

Oooooh - the CRICUT got a shout out!  How much did that cost Provo Craft?

I wonder if we're all seeing the same commercials?  Did you just see the commercial for The Price Is Right: LIVE?  Branson, Missouri- ladies and gentlemen.  Just when you think Branson couldn't get any worse... SURPRISE!  I've been to Branson.  As a child.  I didn't have any choice.  It was terrible.  My brother threw a big BIG tantrum because he wanted to go see The Waltzing Waters.  And then he got bored during the show.  It was the family joke for years.

DID I NOT TELL POINT OUT THAT WHITE GLUE WOULD COME UP AGAIN???!!!

The 'mansions' -

Ms. Naughton:  Awww....hmmmm.... I don't know what to think- there's bits that I like- the paw print stamp.  And then there's the rest.

Amy Ng:  I like it.  Really freakin' cute.  She sure took 'mansion' literally, didn't she?  That thing is freakin' HUGE!

Commercials:  I would die happier than I ever thought possible if I never saw another Match.com commercial AGAIN.

Oh Mr. Brown, let the white glue die.

Okay, we're about to find out who wins.   Can you contain your excitement?

Congratulations, Pam.

How long do you think TLC will keep CRAFT WARS?  My opinion is that the mainstream isn't interested and it isn't enough CRAFT for the crafters- what do y'all think?  Let's discuss it.  But in the meantime, I'm taking a benadryl and calling it a day.

-kory

Kory Watches CRAFT WARS On TLC (and shares his reactions)

CRAFT WARS: Reactions:

On Christy Thomlinson's introduction:  Did they tell her or force her to do that pose during her introduction?  I hope it wasn't her choice.  The gangstah pose during your competition reality show introduction went out of style during the first season of Project Runway.  And how long ago was that?  Please stop.  Please don't do it again.

Judge: Stephen Brown-  can he not stop 'reacting' so forcefully?  For sure, though- quit it with the 'OMG I AM  ENTHUSIASTICALLY INTERESTED, GURL' faces.  It's so awkward that I cringe.

When the people entered to deliver all the sports equipment, what was up with the guy who jumped and threw the basketball into the Rubbermaid container, then ran out, giving a high-five to Miss Spelling?  Did they make him do that?  Was there an annoying TV director telling them to 'MAKE IT ENERGETIC! LIKE YOU'RE SO EXCITED TO CARRY THOSE CRATES OF SPORTS EQUIPMENT OUT THERE! AND HIGH FIVE MISS SPELLING! IT'LL MAKE IT LOOK LIKE WE'RE ALL FRIENDS AND HAVING A GREAT TIME!'   Well it didn't, it just looked stupid.

WHO wrote these transitions and crap?!

I did like the football corners on the unfinished bag- that looked good!

Really, it matters

WHY did Miss Spelling's kids have to come out?!  That was more forced than that Stephen Brown's reaction shots.

This show just made me sad.  Really, these were the best challenges they could come up with for the FIRST show?!  TLC, CALL ME!

Wow.  This "School Bus" is looking more like a shanty house.  I hope it looks better when it's done!
Well, it doesn't.

The 'Backpack Monsters' did make me laugh- and the 'School House' does look better.

So who's gonna win?

Really, I don't have kids.  I don't like kids.  They might've well have called this 'KIDS CRAFT Craft Wars.'

The next episode had better be better!  Or.... I won't watch.  There.  Take that, TLC.  I'll spend more time over at NatGeo with LOCKED UP ABROAD.   So...  watch it.


CHECK OUT the website for CRAFT WARS for a FITTY OFF (that's a whole 50% OFF!) coupon to MICHAELS!  Valid until Saturday, June 30!!!  Remember, one coupon per person per day!  So print a bunch, find a bunch of friends and GO!